Stranger than Fiction

"So I was just over here minding my business and…"

Permit my random-ness…

– I have never been a fan of Mondays. Today was not bad. Not great, but I got through it. Somehow.

– I have been carrying around an uneasy feeling for about three weeks. Sometimes it feels like heartache. Sometimes, nausea. I really wish it would go away. I have tried to pray it away but it keeps resurfacing. Perhaps I need to take the kabbashing up a notch…

– Someone on my street has been celebrating their 40th birthday since early afternoon. First, it was really loud prayers over speakers and now, party. On a Monday… I can’t shout.

– My car stopped working last Thursday. It had quite a swim during the day and I guess by evening, decided it wasn’t about that life. Mechanic called money that made me see red. SO…Yours truly is now moving around in a borrowed vehicle. At least, I am not worried about the car overheating in traffic…

– I’ve been told to write about my weight loss. I’m not entirely sure I want to. Yet.
I’m not done i.e. my goal is still a little way away. Also, it’s tough to have to accept that human beings are extremely mean and shallow. By writing it all down, I will have to come to terms with this horrid, horrid fact.

– I don’t know what to do with all my clothes. They are becoming a nuisance. I have a fear of keeping them and putting the weight back on so they have to go.

– Have you ever been called a sociopath? No? Well, I have. I apparently have sociopath tendencies. I am too controlled, they said. I know I’m extremely deliberate in everything. I don’t vent my frustrations enough or I try not to in public. I deal with emotional difficulties differently. I also never show that after the initial incident and the “dealing with” that I am bothered by the incident. Apparently, this is too controlled and may be somewhat weird. My explanation: I refuse to let anyone SEE that they have any power over how I feel beyond isolated incidents. I will deal with my mess privately. If that makes me a sociopath, then so be it. This life has shown me waaayyyyyyyy too much pepper.

– Sitting down with a friend today and talking about relationships made me finally accept (albeit internally) that perhaps I AM ready to be married. I have been in denial for a long time. It has always been a “if it comes along, great. If it doesn’t, great” situation for me. Lately, I have been thinking about it a lot more. This also made me realize what I can/cannot, will/will not accept in a “rest of my life” situation (see point two about “uneasy feeling”…)

– Is this the age where every conversation ends up on the topic of marriage? ‘Cause uhm…stop it y’all. As much as I’ve accepted the idea, I don’t want to talk about it all the time. I’m trying to pick up food – Marriage talk. I’m at work – Oh so, any man? Family members – Look, I won’t even start.
Anyway, I get it. However, direct all your enquiries upward. He’s in charge and quite frankly, I wouldn’t have it any other way.

– The desire to be successful and make a formidable name for myself in my chosen industry is gnawing at my heart in a way that I fear may consume me. We must make it.

– Too many people walking around with undiagnosed, unmedicated mental health issues. We need to drop the stigma so people can get the help they need. Too many ticking time bombs…

– As I think, so I am. Reminded myself today: I am LOVED. I am WHOLE. I am ENOUGH. Affirmation for the week.

T.

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3 comments on “Permit my random-ness…

  1. Olgee
    June 13, 2016

    Good stuff tobz …all in due time.dont cave under pressure from society ..none of dem wud be Dere after the pomp and pageantry of the wedding day …don’t rush into it to please dem.above all stay focused and let God take the wheel.

    Like

  2. Atinuke
    June 13, 2016

    Hello sociopath meet psychotic. To each his own. Continue to hang in there. ❤

    Like

    • tobiloluwa
      June 13, 2016

      Thanks love !

      Like

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This entry was posted on June 13, 2016 by in Nigeria, Personal, Uncategorized and tagged , , .

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